Hijinks in the Voting Booth
by KiaraTheBrave
Summary: Frank Commissar, your run-of-the-mill Russian man, comes across an abandoned voting booth, and the quest begins to solve the mystery behind its purpose. Along the way, he learns a very valuable lesson in friendship, and he might even find a little love (in all the wrong places).


It was 11:01 PM on a lovely Friday night. Frank Commissar was driving home from his nightly underwater basket weaving class when on the side of the road he noticed an old abandoned voting booth. Frank pulled over to investigate this mysterious anomaly, and upon further investigation, concluded that this voting booth was clearly alien in origin. Frank placed the voting booth in the back of his pick-up truck to do a more thorough examination at home. As he re-entered the road, a wandering herd of water buffalo entered his field of vision. This was not going to be good.

Frank swerved his vehicle to avoid the small army of animals, but he forgot that the road was actually paved with frictionless metal, and his car swerved before flipping (as does a barrel) towards the water buffalo. The vehicle crashed into the animals at an incredible speed, and the voting booth was flung out of the vehicle and into the yard of Old Man Herman, a rabid weasel-wielding maniac who fought in 'Nam. Frank crawled out of the burning wreck of water buffalo flesh and molten metal, wondering how he would ever get his precious voting machine back without Old Man Herman ever knowing. He picked up his trusty Car Phone and dialed in some of his Russian buddies, who soon were on the way in the ghost of the Hindenburg.

When his men arrived, they began to formulate a plan regarding how they would be able to get the machine back, as Old Man Herman had recently built up defenses equivalent to that of a German fortification in the time since Frank Commissar called his comrades. They came to the realization that the best way to get the voting booth back was a giant Russian catapult that someone had managed to bring along with them. After many minutes trying to figure out how the catapult worked, Frank hopelessly climbed into the catapult and waited. With the catapult finally set, the Russians started getting ready for the invasion of Old Man Herman's Yard. One of the Russian infantry that came for backup named Puskov was excited for the raid and walked over to inspect the catapult. He then unknowingly pulled the lever and sent Frank flying over the fence into Old Man Herman's yard. As Frank looked at his friends from the other side he realized there was no possible way for them to get over for the catapult was a one time use and would self destruct after the launch. As the explosion went off, Frank watched his comrades proceed to resort to cannibalism to survive as Frank had the last remaining Lunchable. Frank's comrades tore each other's limbs off and used them as clubs to bludgeon their fellow infantry. Frank turned away from the gruesome mess to examine his surroundings; The yard was covered in World War II era German weaponry. Frank attempted to pick up an MP-40 laying on top of a table but noticed it was welded in place. Examining the MP-40 further, Frank realized that it was actually a lever that, when pulled, revealed a giant Goomba statue that slowly rose from the ground.

The eyes of the giant marble Goomba began to glow, and an intense beam shot out from it and struck the house of Old Man Herman, who was thrown from the building and onto the pile of Russian flesh. One of the somewhat surviving members of the cannibals, Oleg, began to eat at Herman. It was very difficult to do, because Oleg had already eaten all of his own limbs and half of his jaw, but he managed nonetheless. Frank, again disgusted at the cannibalism of his once living friends, returned to the side of the demolished house and approached the voting booth. He figured he could winch it to the ghost of the Hindenburg, but it instantly flew off into the sun and vaporized.

Without transportation or any means of moving the voting booth, Frank decided to enter it. The door slid open, and it revealed the skeleton of whom he assumed is Lucky. the leprechaun responsible for the production and distribution of Lucky Charms - the magically delicious part of a complete breakfast - and the manager of all rainbows in the land. Frank reasoned that the aliens must have used the poor leprechaun as a source of power, but for what he did not know. He removed the corpse, but not before taking his hat and placing it atop Luckys head which Frank was now using as an ornament to show his victory in obtaining the voting booth. Inside the booth was a very comfortable seat for the tough times a voter has when choosing whom to vote for, and a screen to vote on because everything is digital these days. The first thing Frank needed to do to make this booth properly function was download an AI. So Frank started up the screen and started working. Within a matter of minutes, Frank had the best artificial intelligence in the whole universe: Bonzi Buddy. With his new-found friend installed, he was ready for anything. All of a sudden the voting booth started shaking and making sounds like a cat being dragged through a minefield. The voting booth began to rocket toward the sky and the violent turbulence knocked Bonzi Buddy out of the computer and out of the voting booth. Frank watched Bonzi plummet to his death because he was an unwelcome cameo, Writer #3. The voting booth flew towards the sun and began to circle it. The circling of the sun naturally resulted in time travel. After many circuits around the sun the voting booth began to return to earth. Several hours later the voting booth crashed landed in South Africa.

Frank crawled out of the voting booth, which was still intact, to face none other than Colonel Sanders. Now, everyone knows Colonel Sanders is telepathic, so Frank was able to share ideas and information extremely quickly with him. The Colonel explained that, before death, Bonzi Buddy had transmitted the coordinates of the booth and what date it would land at, which he claimed was 70 years in the future. In this time, cannibal Russians roamed the land, and the only defense against them was Socker Boppers, which were said to be more fun than a pillow fight.

Sanders gave Frank his own set of Socker Boppers, for which he thanked the legendary chicken craftsman. Frank then wandered back to the voting booth, only to find that it was surrounded by several thousand Russian cannibals, each one being one of three distinct character models. Bracing for a fight, Frank readied his inflatable punching mitts and charged into the horde. The fighting was gruesome, but he managed to fight them back. As he defeated the 6th man, he thought _this seems way to easy, I have already killed 6 of these bastards. _Just as Frank thought that, Colonel Sanders came flying through the air and hit the voting booth, launching it off into the distance. As the chicken craftsman gained consciousness he looked into Frank's eyes. Frank looked curiously back and saw something he never wanted to see, he saw fear. Just then the ground began to shake and a huge shadow started to appear. The cannibal Russians began to scatter in fear for their lives for they knew what was coming. Before long the beast came into view and it was like nothing Frank had seen before. It was a giant chicken but with the head of a mad Russian cannibal bear. What made it even weirder was that the chicken had Socker Boppers for hands. The Chicken-Bear gave off a thunderous roar as it looked for its next meal. Frank and the colonel began to run for their lives as the beast chased after them.

Frank checked his back pocket and found a pair of Moon Shoes (the incredible anti-gravity shoes). He knew that these were the only way to escape the ravenous monstrosity that was barreling behind them; Frank threw the Moon Shoes at the chicken-bear and it proceeded to do fuck-all. Colonel Sanders payed for Frank's inability to use tools effectively by being consumed by the Chicken-Bear. The Colonel's sacrifice bought Frank just enough time to escape. As Frank roamed the desert, he tripped over a jagged piece of metal. Curious, Frank brushed the sand away to reveal the entire city of New Jersey. Relieved to have finally caught a break, Frank entered the nearest restaurant and ordered a hamburger. The man behind the counter insisted that the building was actually a pawn shop, but Frank was not interested in listening to his bullshit, so he pulled a double-barrelled shotgun off the wall and blew the man's head off. Frank then came to the conclusion that the voting booth must be somewhere in the city, so he took a piece of the man's brain, the shotgun, and a hamburger that was stashed behind the counter, and walked back out into the city. Russian cannibals ravaged the city streets, but Frank was able to navigate through the horde by using his handy dandy Easy Bake Oven, which he crafted by taping the double barrel shotgun to both his Socker Boppers and his last Lunchable.

Frank eventually managed to wander into the local Hampton, which was populated entirely by penguins. Frank paid no mind to this and went up to the front desk to register. After a few moments of awkward silence, he realized that the man behind the desk was a penguin as well. _Fucking penguins need to learn their place in the world,_ he thought. Figuring that this building was a crime against all things good and holy, Frank placed his Easy Bake Oven and turned the cook setting to "Nuclear Explosive." Frank made a mildly hasty retreat from the building, traveling at a brisk pace comparable to that of the world's fastest turtle. The nuclear blast that rid the world forever of the penguin abominations also had a magnetic effect on the alien voting booth, as voting booths are sexually attracted to sources of gamma radiation.

The booth flung towards Frank and collided with him at speeds nearing Warp 3. Frank was slightly dazed by the collision, but was still happy that he was once again reunited with his beloved booth. Yes, beloved; Frank was beginning to feel an attachment towards the booth, something he had never felt before. The booth was very sleek, very attractive, despite traveling through space, being attacked by a Bear-Chicken, and being launched by a nuclear explosion. Frank slowly got down on one knee and presented the booth with a brass ring with the piece of brain he had collected earlier stapled to it. The voting booth, physically incapable of saying no, was forced to agree to Frank's proposal of marriage. The Russian had never been happier. Well, except maybe for that one time when he got the chance to interact with Bonzi Buddy, the greatest friend-making machine ever programmed.

The two lovebirds quickly set about making wedding arrangements. They walked about thirty feet outside the city limits and discovered that New Jersey was actually inside of Washington, DC. They kind of just wandered into the White House and Frank demanded that they be wed. Frank walked up to the front desk and demanded to speak to the President. The secretary who was, in fact, a telepathic bunny, told him that since the world was technically a wasteland and was becoming a free-for-all that still managed to be held together by some invisible force, there was in fact no president. Frank then looked over at his soon-to-be wife, and then pointed the hamburger, now shaped like a shotgun, at the secretary's head.

Much had changed since Frank became President of the waste. He was now married to that beautiful voting machine and had 2 beautiful voting machine-humanoid children (he had made human and voting machine marriage legal), and he felt totally in control. Frank was creating an army to help control the wastes with the help of his military expert Mr. Bucket. Together they were using the invention created by Mr. Bucket himself, the Creepy Crawlers Bugmaker. The gummy conscripts were very effective at taming the tribes of Russian cannibals, and with President Commissar's careful guidance, and with the penguins and cannibal Russians out of the picture, there was nothing stopping humanity from reinhabiting the long forgotten wasteland. Over time, mankind rebuilt the lost cities and found a special appreciation for Irish culture.

One year, during a hearty St. Patrick's Day celebration, Frank stumbled home to his loving family, as drunk as drunk could be, dressed in traditional leprechaun garb. He had recently consumed copious amounts of Lucky Charms cereal and whiskey - a magically delicious part of a complete breakfast - and had developed Super Diabetes as a result. Super Diabetes, unlike regular Diabetes, is extremely fast-acting and can kill within 15 minutes. While making sweet, tender love to his wife, the Super Diabetes struck and he fell to the bottom of the booth, knowing full well that he was dying. With his last breath, Frank managed to say:

"Wow, what hijinks in the voting booth did I have."

With that, Frank died, and his skin melted off, transforming him into a spooky scary skeleton. The voting booth, developing human emotion, became so distraught over the loss of her husband that she shot into space, circled the sun, and traveled back in time 70 years, crash landing on the side of the road at exactly 10:59 PM on a lovely Friday night.


End file.
